Are You Hurt?
When did it become unacceptable to admit someone hurt your feelings?
We say things like:
"You were a waste of energy."
"I shouldn't have invested my time."
"Leave the swag and the stuff I gave you."
"You're welcome for the life upgrade."
"Their loss. My lesson."
"I should've known this was going to happen."
"I knew you weren't shit from the beginning."
"This is why I stay to myself. You can't trust anyone."
Literally anything other than, they hurt me. They disappointed me. They broke me. When did managing your emotions turn into denying them? Or quantifying them in terms that makes you seem distanced and above them? Why does it seem impossible to acknowledge someone's affect on you? Shouldn't it just be okay to say: “I cared about them more than they cared about me and that makes me sad.” Or “Even though I know I have to move on and accept it, it still feels like I'm going through hell.” Not because of what you did for them or what you gave them but because you felt something for them and in the end those feelings weren't returned, respected or appreciated. When did it become passé to admit we allowed someone else to have the power to influence our mood or impact our life and it didn't work out in our favor? Does it make us look weak? Does it make us seem stupid? Are we embarrassed to have both sentimental and mental reactions? Does it make us feel even more exposed when staring at ourselves through the lens of the decisions that got us to this point? Standing in sorrow?
I don't know.
But it's a problem.
It's my problem.
I know I spent weeks, months, and eventually a year not working through an emotionally draining situation because my pride wouldn't admit that it touched me beyond a surface level. My ego wouldn't let me do much but reaffirm that I was a good person. A superior person than the one who slighted me. I could prove a thousand ways that I was undeserving of the treatment I received and a thousand more why it didn't matter. I did nothing more than try to convince myself I was above it. I was over it. I was better for it.
I wasn't. I'm not. And if I'm keeping it completely 100, I probably never will be. Only after spending, no wasting, all of that time avoiding the obvious, am I finally okay with declaring I'm still deep in my feelings. Deep and done at the same time. Deeply aware of my emotions and done denying that I'm unscathed by people who hurt me.
That's the nature of pain. Even when it's healed it can still itch, or sting, or burn a little. So I don't expect just a scar from this. I anticipate it staying an uncomfortable wound, nagging and pestering me long after I think it's over. I get it. Everything that happens to you isn't the lesson you expect. Some things just devastate you and the only lesson you learn from it is that you can be damaged and survive. Boy am I damaged. They got to me and through me. This situation shattered me. I'm hurt. Exceptionally hurt. I don't know if or when it'll ever stop hurting. Although it's hard to know where I go from this point, I know I'm in a safer place than where I was a year ago. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now. I'm better off acknowledging I'm bleeding than mindlessly repeating “I didn't deserve to be cut” I'm not healthier pretending I'm not injured.
I need to be honest.
We have to be honest.
I give you permission to be honest.
Not just be hurt, to be rejected, or to be sad because that is going to happen anyways.
But to admit it.